Where do we start with Trauma?

Written by Dr. Kenneth Davis

I have always found it difficult to talk about trauma, not quite knowing where, or how, to begin; much less how to manage the thoughts, feelings and memories that surface. Concepts and theories on the issue have offered some help, particularly when I could relate to them through my own felt experience or the experiences of others I knew and cared about. As we prepare to offer a training on the “Reality of Trauma,” my hope is that through the course of our discussion we might begin to engage trauma from a new vantagepoint. What if we could allow ourselves space to be curious about our own unique relationship to trauma and how certain experiences have shaped our perceptions of ourselves and others in moments of distress? That is my aim and goal.

So often when I speak with pastors and laypeople in the Church I am struck by the sense of helplessness with which these concerned individuals describe their interactions with suffering people in their communities. Sitting with another human being in distress will inevitably evoke within us those similar moments of anxiety in our own lives when tragedy struck and we were left wondering where to turn for comfort or direction. Perhaps some of us will be provoked to search for answers or provide an intellectual response to the sufferer; much in the same way we sought understanding as a way to reconcile our own feelings of helplessness. For others, that overwhelming and wordless dread elicited by such painful experiences may be cause for withdrawal or retreat from those we sit with; a means to preserving our own emotional integrity. Whatever the response, these reactions tend to be highly automatic; unconscious artifacts of our own learned responses to emotionally troubling experiences from the past.

It is inevitable then, that our unique ways of encountering and seeking resolution for our distress in moments of suffering will be impressed upon those we seek to comfort. Until we take the time and careful regard needed to bring our own ways of coping with trauma into awareness, we remain vulnerable to returning to those same ways of being upon our next traumatic experience. In addition, we also risk missing the more important elements of sitting with others in their pain. It is therefore crucial that we seek to develop an awareness and compassion for our own traumatized selves; to begin to gently ask, and find comfort in living out, the questions evoked by those experiences that have given us cause to question and doubt. Perhaps then we will slowly begin to find ourselves moving into a place of “comfort within the uncomfortable;” more available to meet others in tragedy because we have met our own suffering selves there first. As the date approaches for us to enter into this time of compassionate reflection together, I invite you to consider the following questions as a starting point toward grappling with your own self-understanding of trauma:

What types of events/experiences does your mind associate to when considering the word trauma?
Do you consider yourself to have experienced trauma, or do you reserve this label for others in your life or your community?
What feelings, thoughts, and behaviors have you experienced yourself following a loss, tragedy, or significant life disturbance? How have you noticed others around you responding to these experiences?
Are you aware of particular ways that you seek to cope with or relieve your distress? How have you noticed others around you coping?

Thank you for bravely engaging your past, present and future, particularly those moments that have caused you pain, anguish, fear and doubt. My hope is that as we do so, our lives and relationships will deepen, filled with more meaning, purpose and intimacy.
*Photo by Christopher Lemercier on Unsplash

Born to Fly

Written by By April Twenhafel, MS, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

On a recent trip to Illinois, I pulled up to my uncle’s home and six ducks and one goose greeted me. It struck me as very odd. I watched this goose follow the other ducks around like he was one of them. My uncle preceded to tell me there were about five geese eggs that were laid by his pond and this guy was the only one that hatched. He told me he has seen countless times this goose fly about 15 feet off the ground and then land. He said,“That stupid bird doesn’t know he’s a goose!” It really made me wonder, “How many of us are geese surround by ducks, unaware that we are meant to fly?”

Each week I sit with client after client, exploring roadblocks, recognizing strengths, and identifying one’s true self. I know a lot of geese. Incredible people with endless possibilities within themselves. What I have found is we are often what we know. This goose in Illinois has no idea that there is a world much bigger than my uncle’s farm that he is meant to see. No one ever modeled to him that he can fly higher than 15 feet. No one ever pointed out to him that there is greatness within him and he is meant for so much more. Sure, these ducks have accepted him, but they haven’t cultivated his gifts, encouraged him to explore, or acknowledged his capabilities. Years ago a mentor told me, “You need a team. A group of people who know who you are, see the greatness in you, and encourage you to achieve your dreams.” I have this team of people. They are the people that pick me up when I’m discouraged. They remind me of my beliefs, my values, and what I believe God has called me to achieve.

It is a new year and people are creating new goals and resolutions. Perhaps this is a time for you to identify who your team is. This can be family members, friends, pastors, therapists, or mentors. It’s important to be surrounded by people who are pointing you in the right direction. I truly believe there is greatness in all of us. Ephesians 3:20 (AMP) says, “Now to Him who is able to do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think (infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes or dreams), according to His power that is at work within us.” I am not sure about you, but I can dream big. It is pretty amazing to think about what God has for us beyond our own imaginations. I declare that 2018 is the year geese come out of hiding and fly.